男子漢,硬丈夫

“You are just too hard!” 一位日本女性乘客一邊皺著眉,一邊用她那「半咸淡」英文說。天呀,我敢肯定整個經濟客艙都聽到她用波多野小姐般的聲線抱怨我太硬!坐在她旁邊的外藉男仕忍不住大笑起來,我立即低頭檢視一下我的戰友,還好,他正安然地沉睡。

本少可從來未有因為太硬而被女生投訴。「雪糕!」她說。「呵,原來是雪糕」心中不其然帶點失望。回過神後,我隨即展現我的專業,別誤會,不是你想像的那樣,而是道歉道歉再道歉,直到永遠,阿們。至於那個外藉男子就繼續大笑,好像沒有要停下來的意思,而且似乎他已經笑到發軟了,因為他的頭都垂在前面的桌上,身體也在微微抽搐。

然後她一邊用手上的匙羹拍打那太硬的雪糕,繼續投訴。大部份時間我都在放空,就像你女朋友跟你說她的髮尾長了一寸,開始分叉,然後她用了Dove、Rejoice,再不小心用了你未來岳父支霸王,開叉問題仍沒有解決一樣,沒一句聽進耳。

每次派餐有雪糕我都覺得是一大挑戰,坐得較前的乘客的雪糕會太硬,但最尾數排的乘客又會遇上男人最痛,太軟!

要解決太硬這個問題,所有你想得出,想不出的方法我們都已經嘗試過,包括微波爐叮,熱水浸,甚至一些不能說出的方法,可是全都以失敗告終。與其花這麼多唇舌投訴,不如省省氣留來暖雪糕吧?

〔如欲閱讀更原汁原味的文章,請按下頁觀看英文版本〕

It’s just HARD to believe.

“You are just too hard,” she complained in her Japanese-English, frowning, narrowing her eyes staring right at my nameplate. “Hong Kong”, she mouthed the words and nearly snorted. I bet everyone in the Economy Class heard her “this male flight attendant is just too hard” statement. The English guy sitting next to her burst out laughing, and I reflectively looked downstairs to make sure my best friend was not rioting. Relieved. He’s sleeping like a baby.

I seriously pondered over her complaint. Never in my life had any girls complained that I was too hard. “Ice cream!” her face flushed. The English guy and I nodded simultaneously. I actually surprised at my nonchalant response. When she started frowning again, I suddenly realised I had forgotten to press the “apologetic face” button on my vest. I started apologising.

“It’s too late to apologise. It’s too late...” I imagined the English guy humming. He covered his face with his pillow – he’s still laughing so hard that his body was almost shivering.

I gained a PhD in Aviation Management and Hospitality after her crazily long lecture in Japanese, and she kept tapping at her way-too-hard ice cream with her spoon protesting. I managed to understand some facets of the lecture but most of the time I wasn’t even listening.

I honestly hate serving ice cream. If you sit in the first row it may be hard. I wonder if the girls in the last row would be shouting, “you are just too soft”.

There are different ways to make a ready-to-eat ice cream: microwave oven, hot water or other “amazing” ways that you probably don’t want to know. Basically none works. But instead of yelling at your flight attendants, why not just wait for like, five minutes?