煩膠母親

近年香港出現了很多新世代「怪獸家長」,而日本除了怪獸家長外,還有一款「家長特產」;他們的特質是:認為自己的小孩是世上最CUTIE 的。日本人稱這些父母為「親バカ (OYA BAKA)」。

乘客資料說今天的航班上有一位「親バカ」,她投訴上一程機的服務員沒有跟她聊天、幫忙抱她的「聖嬰」、清洗他用過的奶樽等等。

得悉機上有「煩膠」我們一般都特別小心。但日本人呀姐奴性太重,見到該客人便二話不說上前道歉,本少真不敢苟同這種做法。這樣只會使「煩膠」加快進化為「超煩戇膠」。

起飛後我們立即開始餐飲服務,當大家都忙得不同開交的時候,「煩膠」卻帶著孩子悠閒地在狹窄的走廊漫步,聖嬰像香港小姐冠軍般一邊散步,一邊向身邊的乘客揮手。我只能對「煩膠二人組」佔領客艙一事深表遺憾。每個行業都其壓力,但身穿制服,就代表你的專業,難道我們可以把她拉到後面的廚房,拉上布簾,派兩位服務員「睇水」,然後好好「教導」這位母親?

「他很かわいいね (kawaii)?我真是個幸福的媽媽!」她自豪地感歎。明顯地她正踏上「超煩戇膠」進化之路。我向這位乘客提供最真誠的笑容,更給聖嬰一些糖果。做了少爺數年,有時都懷礙自己是圓滑,還是虛偽。一轉身,差點反白眼反到con 都掉了出來。

「一天,麻煩你幫『煩膠媽媽』抱著小孩,讓她可以騰出手來食午餐。」當我打算收餐之際,日本人呀姐跟我說。「但其他乘客在等著啊!」我反對道。「我自己收便好。」呀姐反了一下白眼,接過我手上的餐車。

我一抱起「聖嬰」,他便頓時哭號、大叫、再送我一個耳光,好吧,我不是「the chosen one」。我不是他心裡那條蟲,只能懷疑他已用了最低武力和十分克制。結果當然是全機人都注視著我。「你對我的寶貝做了什麼!」「膠母」瞬間便把兒子搶回去。我也頭也不回地返回自己的崗位,面紅耳熱地離開尷尬的現場。

最後當第一餐服務完結時,聖嬰終於入睡了,而「煩膠」亦開始享受她的法國大餐。一小時二十六分三十五秒後她示意我收掉餐盤。在餐盤上竟附上新鮮制作的米田共紙尿(屎)片。。。

「ありがとうございます。。。」(謝謝)

〔如欲閱讀更原汁原味的文章,請按下頁觀看英文版本〕

Idiotic Parents

There is a term in Japanese describing parents who consider their kids the cutest creatures in the whole universe. A direct translation will be “idiotic parents” (親バカ).

The passenger information said an “idiotic mother” complained about the inadequate attention she got from the crewmembers on her previous flight: the flight attendants didn't chat with her at the galley area, wash the baby’s milk bottle, play with her son ...

My senior automatically apologised to her the minute she boarded. I smelt trouble.

The first meal service started. As usual, we were all rampaging crazily in the galley. She, however, was leisurely having a walk with her baby, blocking the narrow aisles from time to time. “Isn’t he just lovely? I really am the happiest mom in the world,” the shameless mother said. I produced the most genuine smile, waved at her son and even offered him some sweets. Now, in retrospect, I can’t help wondering how I could be that fake. Diplomatic, I mean. The second I turned away, I cursed.

“Please hold the baby for Mrs Idiotic as she wants to have her lunch now,” my Japanese senior stopped me from collecting the passengers’ meal trays. “But everyone’s waiting,” I protested. “I will do it,” she rolled her eyes.

The moment I held the boy, he cried, screamed, and slapped my face. I almost opened the emergency door and threw him out of the flight. His cry for his mom resonated far beyond the Economy Class. I swivelled my head around and found that everyone was staring at me, snickering. Like mother, like son. “What did you do to him?” Mrs Idiotic snatched the dinosaur from my hands and I nearly dropped him. Whatever. I instantly returned to work, my face burning.

An hour later when her son finally stopped fidgeting, sleeping quietly in the baby bassinet, Mrs Idiotic decided to eat. She enjoyed her meal like she was in a French restaurant – it took her an hour and twenty six minutes to finish everything.

She beckoned to me to collect her tray. My smile dropped completely, my eyes flickering between her and the baby diaper which smelt of freshly made poo on the tray.

“ありがとうございます...” (Thank you)