識飲,當然不在半空飲(太多)

「小姐,請問要些果汁或茶嗎?」我建議一位在一小時內飲了三杯紅酒的女士。

「你有留心聽我說話嗎?我現在要另一杯紅酒!」她瞪了我一眼,指著我。
當察覺客人在短時間內喝了過量的酒時,我們會建議客人稍作休息,因為人在三萬尺高空上酒量會變差。通常乘客都會接受我們的提議,但強調自己狀況良好,千杯不醉的亦大有人在。 幸運的話,這些人會自然入睡;而另一些,隨時會基因突變成哥斯拉。牠們會尖叫、咆吼,甚至會從口中噴射「哥斯拉炮」幹掉附近無辜的人。而首當其衝的當然是我們這班可憐的機組人員了。

我無可奈何地給她倒了杯極少的紅酒,祈求她不會進化成哥斯拉。上帝聽禱告!她把這杯都乾掉後便「安詳」地睡著了。
半小時後,當我正打算到休息室時,我看到她在洗手間前徘徊。在幾乎漆黑的機艙內我看到她彎著腰,喘著氣。她正在進化。為了保護人類文明,正義的本少上前問:「小姐,你還好嗎?」
可惜我已遲了一步。進化尚未完成的她突然倒下。
她的臉狠狠地撞在地上。我的腦海一片空白,只記得受訓時老師教我們要輕拍乘客的肩膊,確認他們是否清醒。十秒後她終於回復知覺。對惶恐的我來說,大概這十秒已是永遠。
「小姐你沒事嗎?」我只想到這白痴的問題。
「我不知道。。。」她費力地吐出這四個字。下一秒,她使勁地吐出「黃色暴雨」,淹沒了商務客艙的大地。
 
當天只有我一位空中「少爺」。最後誰去清理哥斯拉留在地上的傑作呢?唉!

〔如欲閱讀更原汁原味的文章,請按下頁觀看英文版本〕
If You Drink (too much), Don't Fly
“Would you like to drink some juice or tea first?” I asked a female passenger who had already had three glasses of red wine within an hour. “Didn’t you hear me? I need another glass of wine,” she shot me a look, one finger pointing at me.
Usually we suggest passengers rest for a while if we realise that they are drinking too much. Many will listen to our advice. Some, however, insist they were not born yesterday and they know their condition a lot better than we do. What they may not know is one gets drunk a lot more easily up in the air. Most simply fall asleep. But some turn suddenly into drunken Godzillas - yelling, screaming and killing everyone on the plane.
I had no choice but to pour her another intentionally smaller glass of wine. I kept my fingers crossed hoping she would not evolve into a Godzilla. She didn’t. She seemed to sleep right after finishing her forth glass. Lucky me. 
Half an hour later when I was happily on my way to the crew bunk, I saw her wandering near the washroom. In the almost utterly dark cabin, I could still see her gulping for air. She was evolving. To save human civilisation, I had to stop her. “Madam, are you feeling okay?” I walked quickly to her.
It’s too late. Not even fully evolved, she collapsed right in front of the washroom.
Her face banged really hard on the floor. Terrified. My mind went all blank. I could only remember learning in the training that we should tap a passenger on the shoulders to help regain her consciousness. She finally responded a few seconds later. Carroll is so right. “How long is forever? Sometimes, just one second” (especially when I totally freaked out).
“Are you alright?” I could only come up with this stupid question. 
“I don’t know...” she managed to mumble. The next second, a river of vomit erupted from her mouth. I was as if those innocent civilians running desperately away from Godzilla’s atomic breath! 
I was the only male flight attendant on the flight that day. So who was to clean up her mess? You probably know the answer.

〔THE END〕